It’s that time of week again, guys! It’s time for Friday Fictioneers. I’m posting mine early, because if I don’t, it won’t get posted at all. I’m afraid my story ran a little long today, 113 words. I will be posting a less speculative story over at my other blog, so be sure to check it out!
Birdie, birdie, in the sky…
I watched the shuttle leave Earth, carrying my love. He was going to Mars, and I wasn’t with him.
“I’m sorry, babe,” he’d said. “I’m sorry.” Over and over again. Like a mantra. Like it could fix things.
I didn’t cry, and why should I? He made his choices and I made mine.
“Life is all about the choices you make,” my father used to say.
“Do you know someone on the shuttle?” the woman next to me asked, staring in awe at the departing spacecraft.
“Ex-boyfriend.”
“Oh.”
“He’s headed to the prison colony on Mars.”
Her eyes widened. “Oh, wow. For what?”
“Murdering my father.”
dmmacilroy said,
February 8, 2013 at 08:34
Dear Sarah,
I love the New Australia aspect of your story. If i could be sent to Mars on a shuttle I’d become a criminal forthwith.
aloha,
Doug
billgncs said,
February 8, 2013 at 20:49
I agree with Doug on both points – I immediately thought of people transported to Australia and how I would love to go to mars and start the tereforming.
elappleby said,
February 8, 2013 at 08:39
Nice twist. Really enjoyed this.
JKBradley said,
February 8, 2013 at 13:59
Good story. I was envisioning something akin to Total Recall.
sustainabilitea said,
February 8, 2013 at 15:25
Nice pace and a good twist at the end. It just read well. I guess that could make a boyfriend an ex!!
janet
newpillowbook said,
February 8, 2013 at 22:37
I have to agree with the woman next to your narrator – Oh wow. At first I thought this was a story about him putting a once-in-a-lifetime career opening ahead of romance, but there’s so much more going on. Excellent story.
glossarch said,
February 8, 2013 at 23:30
I like the complicated story you build with so few words. And the ending…well done! I’m reading Ilium right now so it resonates a little.
rochellewisoff said,
February 9, 2013 at 09:13
Dear Sarah,
Now that was a twist. Enjoyed this one.
Shalom,
Rochelle
rich said,
February 10, 2013 at 13:28
i have to ask why she wasn’t crying. i feel like she should be crying as a kind of closure for her father. however, the idea that she is seeing him off – in a way – is almost like it is more emotionally significant to her that she’s lost a boyfriend than lost a father. but also, in the first line she calls him “my love,” but at the end it’s “ex-boyfriend.” so i’m not sure.
also, this line: “I watched the shuttle leave Earth, carrying my love. He was going to Mars, and I wasn’t with him.”
you could think about saving some words like this –
“i watching the shuttle carrying my love from Earth to Mars without me.”
only 6 words, but it’s something i like to look for.
lots going on here. well done.